New Year, Old Feeling

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Happy New Year! Yes, we're well into January already, but hey, life. I also haven't had time to post something on here in over six months. Again, life. But New Year, new beginning, right?

Every year I choose a word, or more accurately a word chooses me, to aspire to and guide my steps. But as we begin 2019, it suddenly dawned on me that this is the year I turn 35. It feels like a big milestone. I don't feel old necessarily, but I don't feel very young anymore either. I have had two children. Both birthing and raising them has made me tired in ways I could not have imagined.

I have also been working for 13 years. Sitting in front of a computer, attending endless meetings, and unfortunately constantly checking my phone for new emails and anxiously worrying about how I will get everything done. It's exhausting. And it's only been 13 years!

Somehow 35 feels much older than I thought it would.

Some things are expected, while not welcome. Gasp, is that a gray hair? Wait, another one!? And where did these wrinkles come from?  The very expensive eye cream is trying it’s best to curtail them, but I still see them. Too bad my eyesight isn’t going yet, maybe that would actually help in a small way. 

As I began thinking about this New Year and what I wanted it to be, I realized that maybe it isn't turning 35 that has me so weary. Maybe it's how I'm living this one fantastic life I've been given. Because getting older, in reality, is a gift. It's just all about how you look at things. 

More than seeing the lines around my eyes as laugh lines instead of wrinkles; it's about being purposeful with the time we're given. Making the most of every moment. Savoring every laugh as it happens, not lamenting the lines it makes later.

At first, I thought my word for 2019 was calm. We have a lot of changes coming to our family and I thought that focusing on calm would help steady our ship. But after a lot of contemplation and prayer, it has become clear to me that I don't want to just have a calm life. No, my word for 2019 is not calm, it is JOY. 

1. a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

My favorite part of joy's definition is the word feeling. That is what I want to focus on this year. Not counting the gray hairs, or stressing over the latest work project or worrying if my kids are learning everything they are supposed to be learning - at two. 

Instead, I want to feel and feel deeply the pleasure and happiness in every moment. We can't stop time from moving on and lines from appearing around our eyes. But I can make these passing moments more meaningful and I can focus my eyes on what's important. It's not about feeling old, it's about feeling more. 

So here we go 2019. Let's make 35 the best year yet. How has your year been going so far? Do you have a word or goal for the year? Whatever your year brings, whatever year you're in, I hope you find joy in it. 

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